Note to Self...

So I really don't know how to start this particular entry...just that I need to start it.
I will sit here with my laptop and just let my fingers type whatever comes to my mind.

My mind...for some reason that makes me laugh, like really out loud laughing.  My mind has been so full of EVERYTHING lately. It never sleeps.  I have thought after thought after thought...and those thoughts have become progressively sad and negative.  I usually have a pretty good grasp on those pesky thoughts and I push them away fairly easy...until recently.  It seems my positive and negative thoughts are battling for control.  I'm not going to lie, those negative thoughts sure win a lot lately.  For now, however, I feel the real Beck still has control and is being the fighter I have always been.

About ten years ago this all too familiar battle of my mind got extremely bad and the negative almost won.  The kind of winning where everyone I love loses.  I was severely depressed!  But why?  I had a 6 month old baby who was now healthy and thriving, an amazing marriage full of love and passion and understanding, and a seemingly great life.  But why was I so unhappy...no, it was deeper than just unhappy...I was devastated, both mind and body.  I had convinced myself that everyone in my life would be so much better off without having "imperfect Becky" around.  I know how silly it sounds now, but you need to understand that I was truly not in my right mind at times.  Not a single soul knew I felt this way. I never divulged these "inadequacies" to anyone I knew...not even my closest loved ones.

One morning, while my sweet baby boy slept, I sat in the bathroom thinking of the best way to end my life.  I couldn't stop crying as I had this last inner battle of positive and negative self-talk. Just as all positive thinking was about to lose for good, my baby began to coo in the next room.  That piece of me that was born to nourish and protect came to life and I put off my own internal battle for a moment.  I dried my tears and listened to my sweet baby try to communicate...to whom, I don't know.  But I am grateful for that ultimate tender mercy that slapped me back into reality...if only for a moment.

A few hours later, I had done all the housework, fed my family of 3 lunch and watched Elmo with my boy until he fell asleep.  I put him to bed and went to lay on my own bed.  I lay there staring at the ceiling and trying not to think when my husband walked in.  He sat on the bed to put on his shoes when I said to him, "I am depressed."  I didn't move my gaze at all from a tiny spot on the ceiling.  I didn't want to make eye contact or sense any type of disappointment at my lack of perfection...don't misunderstand, Corey has never made me feel like I have to be perfect; that all came from my own mind and genetics.

My amazing husband grabbed my hand and said, "What's going on?"  Tears poured from my eyes as I confessed all my feelings to him and never moving my gaze from that spot on the ceiling.  Finally, I turned to face him and saw nothing but love in his eyes as I said, "I need help."  A couple of days later I was sitting with my husband and a trained and trusted psychologist uncomfortably bearing my soul.  A huge burden was lifted as I realized I did not have to carry this awful burden of depression alone.  Corey was very protective of me for the next couple of weeks as I struggled to change my thinking and self-talk.  Eventually it was decided that I should be taking some form of anti-depressant to balance the chemistry in my brain.

Because of the stigma associated with mental illness, I was almost ashamed to start taking any pills.  But that little pill in the right dosage changed my life...in fact, it saved my life!  Once I could think clearly and feel like myself again, I determined to change the mental illness stigma in my own sphere of influence.  I did not hide the fact that I took an antidepressant or that I struggle with mental illness.  This was certainly not easy at first. I was embarrassed at "my inability to cope with life" but soon I began to notice that people trusted me with their own secrets of mental illness.  I was blown away at how many people I knew that have dealt with depression or anxiety in one form or another. It was empowering to be able to stand up for a cause and admit openly, "I am not perfect."  Sounds kind of silly, right? Here's the deal - it's only silly if you haven't been through it...and if you haven't fought such extreme sadness or fear, count it as a great blessing.

Now, please don't think I am saying you have to shout from the roof tops your weaknesses in order to overcome them, but for me being open about my bout with mental illness was a huge help.  I felt encircled about with love and no longer felt I was battling something so devastating all by myself.

I began to understand more fully the atonement of Jesus Christ like I never had before.  Alma 7:11 (in the Book of Mormon) was my life line to the Savior and what the Atonement really meant.  How I came to know that is a deeply meaningful experience to me....one that is between me and the Lord. {So, I guess I don't shout everything from the roof tops, huh?}

Why am I writing this 10 year later?  That's a great question...one that I have just now realized the answer to.  I sat down to right this bit of my life without knowing why, but knowing I had to get it on paper...so to speak.  In all honesty, I am dealing with some pretty deep sadness and anxiety again.  To be completely transparent, it's pretty bad! If the first battle with depression was a 10, this 2nd battle is a 6.  It's hard, debilitating, overwhelming, sad, miserable...and whatever other negative word you can think of.  See! That's the problem; the negative thinking gets so overpowering!

I guess I wrote this post to remind myself that I beat it once, so I can beat it again.  Or maybe it's to remind myself that I didn't beat this by myself last time so why should I expect to beat it alone this time.  There are many things I can learn from my past experience...I just needed a gentle reminder.

Here's to overcoming and coming off conqueror...again!  

My Raggedy Boy

I love this Raggedy Boy!  

This little guy isn't such a little guy anymore.  He is a tween...almost teen! Time truly flies...even though it doesn't feel like it when these kiddos are smaller.
Ethan hates getting his haircut so it gets SUPER long in between hair appointments.  This is a particularly long time and he has crazy long hair, but he likes it.  Weirdo!
Just to embarrass him (or embrace his childhood a little longer) I brought my camera and snapped a before and after shot!

My little raggedy boy cleans up nice huh?  

He is a dang cute kid, with an outstanding personality and love of life!  Ethan is growing so quickly and has a great grasp of the spirit and his emotions.  He is my tough guy who isn't afraid to cry...and I like that.  He likes having his momma around, even when she is nagging about homework.

I read a chapter book to Ethan every night. It's our thing.  We are currently reading the Percy Jackson Series that Aunt Kari got him for Christmas.  I love the one on one time I get to spend with him cuddled up to me every night.  My 11 year old will still cuddle me!  I think of when Ethan goes on a mission and I start to miss him already...is that normal?  I can barely let him go to an overnight scouting event without a break down.  I want to burst when I think of how much I love Ethan.  He is my first born. He taught me how to be a mom and he is still teaching me.  He MADE me a mom!  I am so blessed!


{If you don't know the television reference to Raggedy Boy (Raggedy Man), I just lost respect for you, but because you are reading these I still like you!}

Ethan and the Science Fair of 2014

Ethan has a great love of science!  I do everything I can to make sure he gets to use that love and talent whenever possible.  The Science Fair at his school is not a required event, but he always volunteers to participate.  Last year he didn't get the chance to participate and was crushed.  The year before that he participated as a 4th grader and had fun, but didn't place...and he was crushed.  I guess that participation ribbon wasn't enough. This year he wanted to try again.

Ethan decided to pick 5 fabrics (felt, flannel, cotton, knit, and corduroy) and figure out which one would burn the fastest.  He researched the composition of each fabric and decided that the felt fabric would burn faster because the composition was not cotton or wool...it's synthetic. Then we (yes, I helped with this part) lit each one on fire for one minute.  We did a little math and figured out the perimeter of the burnt section.  Genius, right?!  We had a lot of fun play Mythbusters.

After he did his presentation and talked with the judges, he was so excited and anxious to tell me and Corey how it went.  He said it went awesome and he was so excited for the assembly the next day. Corey and I (and Ellie) went to the assembly with Ethan and saw him accept an award for 3rd PLACE!!!  Then we learned that E gets to go and compete at the District Level!  To say Ethan was excited is a serious understatement!  He had the biggest smile on his face...and so did I!  I was beaming with pride!

When we finally got to hug him, he broke down and cried.  He was so excited that he just couldn't contain it!  Ethan works harder than most because he learns differently.  Sadly, he doesn't get this kind of confidence boost much at school so when he does he is overjoyed!  My sweet, sensitive boy! He cried openly without a care of who saw him...then I cried. It was such a great day!

I was so impressed with his teacher from last year; that she would come up to me and say, "Look at that smile!"  She knows how hard he has to work and she recognized his huge smile of confidence!  I love her for that!

Ethan came home this afternoon and said that the attention at school was getting old.  He just wanted everyone to "be quiet about it" after a while.  Not one for the spotlight, huh? He must get that part from his dad!

Asthma and the Utah Winter

Ellie has some nasty asthma!  Usually it's triggered by animal hair and pollen, but it gets really nasty in the smoggy Winter air.  Some news guy said it's like breathing mud for these little ones with breathing issues.  Ellie is pretty used to her nebulizer/steriod treatment, but it still makes me sad that she has to endure this daily (or more).

When she starts to cough and wheeze a lot, Ellie will grab the iPad and say, "Treatment, mom?" We start the machine (which is obnoxiously loud) and she plays Minecraft while breathing her medicated air.  This is a way of life for my baby right now.  Bring on spring...or we could move to Jamaica!  

Having a sister…

has truly been one of my greatest blessings.  My sister is my best friend.  We talk on the phone at least once a day...sometimes more.  Perhaps the closeness in our relationship is due in part to the fact that we are only 11 months apart.  We have always been in the same life stage together.  From teenage angst to the uncharted waters of marriage and motherhood, we have done it together. 

I look at my daughters and although having them close in age can be a challenge at times, they are so blessed to have each other.  Right now the moments of bliss and togetherness are fleeting, but as they grow older together and enjoy the same life stages like me and Kari they will form an unbreakable bond of love and friendship. 

Their husbands won’t understand their constant need to talk with one another about NOTHING.  Their friends (and in-laws) will scratch their heads at the random inside jokes they share.  These girls will always be surprised when they finish each other sentences or have the same thought at the exact same time.  They will show up at an event wearing the exact same thing…having not planned their wardrobes!  They will forever cherish the best friend that God gave them right in their own family!

There is this couple…

in my ward who always sits together.  That may not seem odd or out of place, but this sweet couple does not sit on a designated pew every week like most Mormon families.  She is our ward chorister and sits on the stand behind the organ and he joins her up there EVERY week.  I LOVE IT.  I notice it and admire their devotion.  That is a love like that cannot be faked, in my opinion.  A love like that is grown over years of trial and error and fierce devotion to one another.  Luckily I have a love like that!  It’s in the baby stages still, but I feel I am loved.  Not only am I loved, but I feel I have Corey’s whole heart!  I NEVER doubt his loyalty to me.  I am blessed!

Corey and I are not the mushy lovey-dovey type and neither of us would say our lives would be meaningless without the other, but our lives are definitely more complete with the other!  We don’t believe in a ONE true love, but we do believe in the deep and passionate love we feel for each other.  We don’t need to spend every waking moment with each other, but we love the waking moments we have together…and the quiet sleepy moments.  We don’t feel like we are like our married peers although we deeply respect others marriages and choices.  We don’t need to call each other every lunch hour.  We don’t say “I love you” every time we hang up the phone.  We don’t always kiss when we greet each other at the end of the day.  But our love burns deep and strong and we are happy.  We have the perfect marriage.  We have our own interests and dreams to achieve independent of the other.  We are both eagerly trying to make sure the others life dreams are realized.  That is TRUE love! 

With us there are no games or guessing.  We are honest and blunt with each other.  There are no secrets or sugar coating.  I am blessed to be part of a marriage with open honest communication and absolutely NO FEAR!  Truly I married my perfect match.  Corey compliments my life in EVERY way.  He makes me want to be better.  He is my biggest cheerleader.  He truly believes I can do anything…even when I doubt myself. Corey never lets me settle for less than I am.  In his eyes I am the perfect mother, most beautiful woman, brilliant artist and best friend!  He sees what I struggle to see and his love is pure and true.  I feel it everyday…and not with words.  I feel it when I enter a room and he smiles and his eyes literally sparkle.  I feel it when he squeezes my hand in a moment he knows I am uneasy.  I feel it with actions. I feel it when he looks at me from across our pew in church…with three restless kids separating us.

It’s safe to say that neither Corey nor I will ever have to worry about being a ward chorister and sitting together on the stand, but seeing this sweet couple in my ward has made be sit back and ponder the beauty of my marriage. 

I am BLESSED!

A bunch of crazy kids…

in their 30’s!  Some things never change…and I wouldn’t have it any other way!