So I really don't know how to start this particular entry...just that I need to start it.
I will sit here with my laptop and just let my fingers type whatever comes to my mind.
My mind...for some reason that makes me laugh, like really out loud laughing. My mind has been so full of EVERYTHING lately. It never sleeps. I have thought after thought after thought...and those thoughts have become progressively sad and negative. I usually have a pretty good grasp on those pesky thoughts and I push them away fairly easy...until recently. It seems my positive and negative thoughts are battling for control. I'm not going to lie, those negative thoughts sure win a lot lately. For now, however, I feel the real Beck still has control and is being the fighter I have always been.
About ten years ago this all too familiar battle of my mind got extremely bad and the negative almost won. The kind of winning where everyone I love loses. I was severely depressed! But why? I had a 6 month old baby who was now healthy and thriving, an amazing marriage full of love and passion and understanding, and a seemingly great life. But why was I so unhappy...no, it was deeper than just unhappy...I was devastated, both mind and body. I had convinced myself that everyone in my life would be so much better off without having "imperfect Becky" around. I know how silly it sounds now, but you need to understand that I was truly not in my right mind at times. Not a single soul knew I felt this way. I never divulged these "inadequacies" to anyone I knew...not even my closest loved ones.
One morning, while my sweet baby boy slept, I sat in the bathroom thinking of the best way to end my life. I couldn't stop crying as I had this last inner battle of positive and negative self-talk. Just as all positive thinking was about to lose for good, my baby began to coo in the next room. That piece of me that was born to nourish and protect came to life and I put off my own internal battle for a moment. I dried my tears and listened to my sweet baby try to communicate...to whom, I don't know. But I am grateful for that ultimate tender mercy that slapped me back into reality...if only for a moment.
A few hours later, I had done all the housework, fed my family of 3 lunch and watched Elmo with my boy until he fell asleep. I put him to bed and went to lay on my own bed. I lay there staring at the ceiling and trying not to think when my husband walked in. He sat on the bed to put on his shoes when I said to him, "I am depressed." I didn't move my gaze at all from a tiny spot on the ceiling. I didn't want to make eye contact or sense any type of disappointment at my lack of perfection...don't misunderstand, Corey has never made me feel like I have to be perfect; that all came from my own mind and genetics.
My amazing husband grabbed my hand and said, "What's going on?" Tears poured from my eyes as I confessed all my feelings to him and never moving my gaze from that spot on the ceiling. Finally, I turned to face him and saw nothing but love in his eyes as I said, "I need help." A couple of days later I was sitting with my husband and a trained and trusted psychologist uncomfortably bearing my soul. A huge burden was lifted as I realized I did not have to carry this awful burden of depression alone. Corey was very protective of me for the next couple of weeks as I struggled to change my thinking and self-talk. Eventually it was decided that I should be taking some form of anti-depressant to balance the chemistry in my brain.
Because of the stigma associated with mental illness, I was almost ashamed to start taking any pills. But that little pill in the right dosage changed my life...in fact, it saved my life! Once I could think clearly and feel like myself again, I determined to change the mental illness stigma in my own sphere of influence. I did not hide the fact that I took an antidepressant or that I struggle with mental illness. This was certainly not easy at first. I was embarrassed at "my inability to cope with life" but soon I began to notice that people trusted me with their own secrets of mental illness. I was blown away at how many people I knew that have dealt with depression or anxiety in one form or another. It was empowering to be able to stand up for a cause and admit openly, "I am not perfect." Sounds kind of silly, right? Here's the deal - it's only silly if you haven't been through it...and if you haven't fought such extreme sadness or fear, count it as a great blessing.
Now, please don't think I am saying you have to shout from the roof tops your weaknesses in order to overcome them, but for me being open about my bout with mental illness was a huge help. I felt encircled about with love and no longer felt I was battling something so devastating all by myself.
I began to understand more fully the atonement of Jesus Christ like I never had before. Alma 7:11 (in the Book of Mormon) was my life line to the Savior and what the Atonement really meant. How I came to know that is a deeply meaningful experience to me....one that is between me and the Lord. {So, I guess I don't shout everything from the roof tops, huh?}
Why am I writing this 10 year later? That's a great question...one that I have just now realized the answer to. I sat down to right this bit of my life without knowing why, but knowing I had to get it on paper...so to speak. In all honesty, I am dealing with some pretty deep sadness and anxiety again. To be completely transparent, it's pretty bad! If the first battle with depression was a 10, this 2nd battle is a 6. It's hard, debilitating, overwhelming, sad, miserable...and whatever other negative word you can think of. See! That's the problem; the negative thinking gets so overpowering!
I guess I wrote this post to remind myself that I beat it once, so I can beat it again. Or maybe it's to remind myself that I didn't beat this by myself last time so why should I expect to beat it alone this time. There are many things I can learn from my past experience...I just needed a gentle reminder.
Here's to overcoming and coming off conqueror...again!
